Well What Have we done now?

Not sure if spring is really here yet, but boy am I itching to get laid. Since I last posted I started living with this guy. And the sex we used to have was the best in my life and so addictive my friends called me dickmatized!

But, all good things end quickly. Only the painfully shit lingers on. I never made a man with so much power and control in bed that wasn't crazy. But it didn't mean that he wasn't lazy!!!

A year later and the sex has all but come to a stop and it isn't because of me. But without the sex my mind is clearing up and I can see what he's really about and it ain't much. He's self-centered, selfish except in bed and a little annoying. And after my last crazy boyfriend I'm trying hard not to look for the exits. But that's all I see.

NEW DAY SAME SMELL

WOW!They say people never change, so am I to be a quasi uneasy jealous, deceitful, nervous bitch my whole life? If that's the case should I just give into it and not fight? Embrace defeat or would that be victory in no longer fighting, come to a peace accord with myself.

I do it all the time with the men I date. I always find some loser asshole, that barely has it figured out and definitely can't pay for it when he does, if ever figure it out and elevate them to God like status. And of course when the vinegar doesn't rise to the top I dump them and hate them for being incomplete. Well I've done it again, no good junkie can resist one last fix. I have a new love someone who will eventually hate catching me in his peripheral vision as we past like strangers on the street.

It's a new year but the same shit, still stinks

Long time no post. I was busy at the end of the year, worked picked up and my social life died. What is it, one day you just wake up and everything fucking stinks! Is it that it always stunk and today your nose finaly opened up?

Was hanging out way too much and not having enough fun. Got so bored with everyone, I knew that I couldn't bare to meet anyone new. The chance that they too would be boring or worse time consuming was more than scary.

I did try and get into the drug culture a little in NYC but I just discovered that I don't like junkies. They're annoying and talk about nothing.

Trying to figure out why things happen and why they don't. I'm not sure how to give anymore than I do, but still in my heart I know its lacking. Been doing something pretty stupid things lately and cant figure out why. Is it to trick myself into feeling anything other than the normal melancholy that I deal with every day or is to stop myself from succeeding.

Took a big chance heading out to LA, staked all I had basicaly on taking that trip and it didn't work out. But whose to say it didn't? Has everything happened right along with Gods' plan if there's such a thing. Or did I screw it up? Again.

Somethings up because my jaws on fire and that means I'm worried or upset by something or anything. Maybe its just change. I'm tired of being broke but the one thing that can bail me out of this self imposed poverty is writing, the one thing I don't do.

And it never goes to fail, once things are on track I find some man with some insurmountable problem to get involved with. So I become emotionally arrested, stalled, fucked until the next episode.

Until the next....

On the Road Again

Well boys and girls its been a minute. I'm in LA looking for a job and a new start. Maybe I'll see an ex while I'm out here, but really all I want to see is a bed, been on the go for three days. I need a good nights sleep. Lawyer guy is depressed can you believe that? Depressed that I'm not in NYC right now, to keep him entertained. Whatever, put up or shut up fool. A little money goes a long way.

A Day in the Life

I'm a little better today, had a blow out with my stepmother yesterday. Over my asshole former friend being invited to my fathers birthday party. I was really upset, my friend L helped me out though. And my mom, she convinced me to call my father and I did today and he for some reason agreed with me, if he does anything about it, who knows? I was willing never to speak to them again, not on the whole former bitch ass friend thing, but because its time I be put first.

Speaking of Monsters Ball :) he emailed me to today, to tell me being away made him think of me a lot! That's all I wanted for him to acknowledge we shared something.

By the way who calls me at midnight? Lawyer guy, to say thank you? And he cant stop thinking about me and we should definitely hook up again. I should give him Monsters Ball's #so he can learn how to appreciate a woman.

I actually have to go to work.

I'm supposed to be a writer why I have to go to work is beyond me. But there are a few things I've learned in the recent weeks.

1) Don't screw your boss without a clear understanding of what you expect to get in return.

2) Don't under estimate your power. Women hold all the keys and we should squeeze men more.

That's it and I should hustle my ass in the shower so I can get to work and smile at my boss.